if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
