i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
