Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
