I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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