oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
