I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
