Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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