god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
