I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When are your genitals available?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
