Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
