The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
