You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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