He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize