I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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