I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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