Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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