dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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