If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
