she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
