Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
