got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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