69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
