I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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