still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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