Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
