Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize