when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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