Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
