Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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