If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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