i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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