just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
