WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
