I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
