I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
