Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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