I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize