Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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