For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
