i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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