if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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