it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
