oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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