umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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