How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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