my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize