I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
