Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
