im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
