Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
