dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
