There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
