Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
