Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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