i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
