I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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