is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
