Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
