Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
