OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
