I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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