Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You can't special order awesome
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
