remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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