There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
