u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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