if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
